Two magical words ‘No, Thank you!’
Finding it difficult to say ‘No’ to your friend to not complete her assignment or to say ‘No’ to your colleague seeking your help in his presentation? Well Beautiful, you have come to the right space.
From my experience, I’ll tell you that my mother has been terrible at saying ‘No’. I have always seen her saying ‘Yes, No worries! I’ll do that for you’. Even if it meant her added load or her health been affected. It happened all the time.
I grew up watching that women perfect this art of winning people by saying ‘yes’ all the time. We are taught in our families about the so many ‘should-ed’ things that we must do in our lives.
‘You should come home early’
‘You should do this because that is how you will get a good groom’
‘You should wear this, attend this event, act this way, because you just should, should & should’
The major take-away, these ‘should’ rule our households A LOT.
I wouldn’t say that I am a master at saying ‘No’ but I know from my experience that I have helped my mother wear her oxygen mask first and then think about anyone else.
Before I tell you about the tricks and the ways of how you can quit being the people pleaser and master the art of saying ‘No’, lets first understand the psychology behind why people please and why we say ‘yes’ to things that we don’t really want to do in the first place.
Being extra nice to people is not a bad thing, you’re just going out of your way to make someone’s day extra but here’s the thing; we more often say ‘yes’ than we say ‘no’ is because we don’t want to be rejected by anyone. We believe that if we say ‘no’, people will be disappointed by us.
How many of us really want someone else to do something for us just out of obligation, when they really don’t want to? But we do expect it out of ourselves. We end up doing things that we don’t want to because we are too scared to say the truth and disappoint the other person.
But seriously tell me, would you want to borrow money from your friend when he himself is struggling to make his living?
Would you really want your mother-in-law to babysit your kids when she really wanted to go out for her shopping?
Would you really want your sister to help you in your business when she is bound by her own chores?
The answer most likely is ‘No’. I would personally not want to pick any one of them for my work unless they are bursting their skin off to work around for me.
I would borrow money from my friend only when he is well settled. I would want my mother-in-law to babysit my kids only because she is excited to do so. I would want my sister to help me only when she finds it easy. I would only want people to do anything for me if they do it out of kindness and love for me and not out of obligation. And I would really want them to not fear to say ‘no’ if they really didn’t wish to do anything for me. That’s the holy truth!
I would really recommend saying ‘no’ rather than thinking of the rejection wounds attached to it or the fears you have that you might disappoint them. It is okay to look after yourself sometimes and look selfish! I would prefer saying ‘Thank you for considering but Sorry I would not be able to do that for you’.
Now let’s get you to how you should be getting at saying ‘No’.
It is always easy to say a firm yet a loving ‘No’ when you have healthy boundaries in place. Having your personal boundaries is always the right and the foremost thing to do. You must proactively use the words ‘no, thank you’ and ‘absolutely’ whenever you want to and whenever you choose to.
The thing with getting really good at anything — especially saying ‘no thank you’ — is you have to practice it. The more you practice, the better and better you get at it.
Now with all said above, I am not at all saying that don’t be nice to people. No way, not at all. I do nice things all the time. Last week I helped my mother-in-law set her whole plan of business and all the packaging stuff. I advised my husband in making the most important investment decision. I helped my mother buy groceries. I helped my friend get away with the marriage jitters that he was having. I help people all the time because it feels good to me and I truly want to help people I care about. The only difference that you’ll understand here is that I don’t help people because I fear of being rejected.
You can definitely do things for others, do them! But do them out of love and because you want to. My only intend here is for you to bridge the gap between what you want and what you don’t want and then decide whether you have to do things for anyone or not.
I hope I could help you fight your habit of pleasing people. Let me know in the comments if you agree to me or have you mastered the art of saying ‘No, Thank you’, would love to hear from you.
Remember to count your blessings!